Test 1:
Preparation
Women: To prepare for pregnancy
1.Put on a dressing gown and stick a beanbag down the front.
2.Leave it there.
3.After 9 months remove 5% of the beans.
Men: To prepare for children:-
1.Go to a local pharmacy, tip the contents of your wallet onto
the counter and tell the pharmacist to help himself
2.Go to the supermarket. Arrange to have your salary paid
directly to their head office.
3.Go home. Pick up the newspaper and read it for the last time.
Test
2:Knowledge
Find a couple who are already parents and berate them about
their methods of discipline, lack of patience, appallingly low tolerance levels
and how they have allowed their children to run wild. Suggest ways in which
they might improve their child's sleeping habits, toilet training, table
manners and overall behavior.
Enjoy it. It will be the last time in your life that you will
have all the answers.
Test 3:
Nights
To discover how the nights will feel:
1. Walk around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet
bag weighing approximately 8-10 lbs, with a radio turned to static (or some
other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down, set the alarm for midnight and go
to sleep.
3. Get up at 11pm and walk the bag around the living room until
1am.
4. Set the alarm for 3am.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and make a cup
of tea.
6. Go to bed at 2.45am.
7. Get up again at 3am when the alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs in the dark until 4am.
9. Put the alarm on for 5am. Get up when it goes off.
10.Make breakfast.
Keep this up for 5 years. LOOK
CHEERFUL.
Test 4:
Dressing Small Children
1.Buy a live octopus and a string bag.
2.Attempt to put the octopus into the string bag so that no arms
hangout.
Time
Allowed: 5 minutes.
Test
5:Cars
1.Forget the BMW. Buy a practical 5-door wagon.
2.Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove
compartment. Leave it there.
3.Get a coin. Insert it into the CD player.
4.Take a box of chocolate cookies; mash them into the back seat.
5.Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.
Test 6:
Going For a Walk
a.Wait.
b.Go out the front door.
c.Come back in again.
d.Go out.
e.Come back in again.
f.Go out again.
g.Walk down the front path.
h.Walk back up it.
i.Walk down it again.
j.Walk very slowly down the road for five minutes.
k.Stop, inspect minutely and ask at least 6 questions about every
piece of used chewing gum, dirty tissue and dead insect along the way.
l.Retrace your steps.
m.Scream that you have had as much as you can stand until the
neighbours come out and stare at you.
n.Give up and go back into the house.
You are
now just about ready to try taking a small child for a walk.
Test 7:
Conversations with children
Repeat everything you say at least 5 times.
Test 8:
Grocery Shopping
1.Go to the local supermarket. Take with you the nearest thing
you can find to a pre-school child - a fully grown goat is excellent. If you
intend to have more than one child, take more than one goat.
2.Buy your weekly groceries without letting the goat(s) out of
your sight.
3.Pay for everything the goat eats or destroys.
Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate
having children.
Test
9:Feeding a 1 year-old
1.Hollow out a melon
2.Make a small hole in the side
3.Suspend the melon from the ceiling and swing it side to side
4.Now get a bowl of soggy cornflakes and attempt to spoon them
into the swaying melon while pretending to be an airplane.
5.Continue until half the cornflakes are gone.
6.Tip the rest into your lap, making sure that a lot of it falls
on the floor.
Test
10:TV
1.Learn the names of every character from the Wiggles, Barney,
Teletubbies and Disney.
2.Watch nothing else on television for at least 5 years.
Test 11:
Mess
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out:
1.Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains
2.Hide a fish behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3.Stick your fingers in the flowerbeds and then rub them on
clean walls. Cover the stains with crayon. How does that look?
4.Empty every drawer/cupboard/storage box in your house onto the
floor and proceed with step 5.
5.Drag randomly items from one room to another room & leave
them there.
Test 12:
Long Trips with Toddlers
1.Make a recording of someone shouting 'Mummy' repeatedly.
Important Notes: No more than a 4 second delay between each Mummy. Include
occasional crescendo to the level of a supersonic jet.
2.Play this tape in your car, everywhere you go for the next 4
years.
You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.
Test
13:Conversations
1.Start talking to an adult of your choice.
2.Have someone else continually tug on your shirt hem or shirt
sleeve while playing the Mummy tape listed above.
You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while
there is a child in the room.
Test
14:Getting ready for work
1.Pick a day on which you have an important meeting.
2.Put on your finest work attire.
3.Take a cup of cream and put 1 cup of lemon juice in it
4.Stir
5.Dump half of it on your nice silk shirt
6.Saturate a towel with the other half of the mixture
7.Attempt to clean your shirt with the same saturated towel
8.Do not change (you have no time).
9.Go directly to work
You are now ready to have children. ENJOY!!
Test 11! How is it that a floor that was vacuumed at around 11 a.m. is dirty by lunchtime?
ReplyDeleteAnd Test 12...my father recently invited me to bring my family to visit him in Texas "any time." SERIOUSLY? With SIX kids? I'm a bit crazy, but I'm not completely insane.