I am now more afraid of the vacuum than my 1.5 year old

Legitimately. 

Let's back up. For quite a while, Darby was terrified of our vacuum, a standard, upright Eureka! Before she could walk, I'd have to vacuum when she wasn't around. After she stated crawling, she'd simply flee the room at the sight of the thing.

The hall closet, where it's kept, was a place with which she wanted nothing to do.

Even if I turned off the vacuum, I could not coax her anywhere near it.

So I tried to convince her the vacuum was our friend.

I hugged it.

I tried to get her to hug it (no luck.)

I explained the nice things it does for us.

All this to no avail.

Then one day, several months ago, she didn't run away as soon as I pulled out old Eureka from the hall closet. 

And the next time I vacuumed, she actually ventured closer to watch and inspect the goings on.

Nowadays she doesn't even bat an eye at the thing.

Why does this please me? Why do I care?

Well, because I don't want my daughter to have an unreasonable and unnecessary fear of harmless things.

And the vacuum is harmless.

Or is it?

Fast forward to today. 

Eight women were scheduled to arrive at our home for a meeting tonight, and our floors needed some attention.

There was a lot to do, so I just grabbed the vacuum hose and started sucking up the biggest dust tumbleweeds around the baseboards.

When I entered the master bedroom, I got a little sidetracked and, for some reason, ended up vacuuming under the bed.

(For some reason = I glanced under the bed and noticed an unsightly situation.)

Darby, who had followed me into the room, plopped down on the floor beside me with some toys (completely unconcerned with the vacuum.)

I was in a hurry. I placed the vacuum as close to the bed as I could, grabbed the hose, lifted the bedskirt, and threw my head down to see where the hose was going.

That's when it happened. Eureka, who was roaring right beside me, SUCKED UP MY HAIR. It sucked half the hair of my head up into itself in a matter of seconds … I have shoulder length hair. Before I could blink, it had yanked my head flat agains the bottom of the vacuum, all the hair on one side of my head, inside of it.

I had time to let out a three second blood curdling scream, and then, as quickly as it had happened, it was over. Eureka spit me back out again.

I turned it off immediately, horrified, and looked at Darby. She was glancing from me to the vacuum with an entirely new confusion. 

I stared at her, and then back at the vacuum, A.K.A. that evil piece of devilry I once thought so innocent.

Then I went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror to make sure my hair was still there.

It was.

But I'm being honest, it's ten hours later, and that side of my head still hurts. 

Jerky vacuum.

(And yes, I realize I am living a blonde joke.)